Lawmakers are eagerly anticipating their departure from the U.S. Capitol, which is beautifully adorned by blossoming cherry trees.
Republican lawmakers in the U.S. House of Representatives are making a swift exit.
Two-term Rep. Jake LaTurner of Kansas, a youthful 36-year-old, made headlines on Thursday with the announcement of his retirement at the end of the year. He joins a growing list of House GOP members, including Reps. Mike Gallagher of Wisconsin, Ken Buck of Colorado, and Patrick McHenry of North Carolina, who have made the decision not to run for re-election or have resigned. According to Axios, nearly 20 House GOP members have chosen to depart from the chamber without concrete plans in place.
When politicians decide to leave their positions, they often feel the need to provide an explanation for their departure. In order to help these individuals articulate their reasons, I have crafted a generic explanation that can serve as a template for any politician seeking to abandon the “increasingly chaotic” chamber.
To my fellow friends and voters in my home state, and especially to those generous donors who contributed significantly to support my campaign, I extend my heartfelt gratitude.
With a heavy heart, I announce today that I will not seek re-election for my cherished congressional seat. It has been an absolute pleasure representing the incredible, inspiring, and vibrant constituents of Wisconsin or Colorado or Kansas. This, of course, is precisely why I chose to serve in Washington, D.C., so as to avoid encountering too many of them in person.
During my time in Washington, D.C. for the past two years, my thoughts were constantly occupied by my home state of Wisconsin, Colorado, or North Carolina. The prevailing feeling was one of relief and satisfaction at not being there.
Unfortunately, it is time for me to leave the esteemed U.S. Capitol. Well, scratch that. I might find myself back in those halls sooner or later, but this time as a highly influential lobbyist, earning a substantial income and having a lighter workload.
Some may argue that the gridlock and dysfunction in Congress are due to the narrow margin and distractions caused by certain Republican legislators who prioritize topics like “Jewish space lasers” over legislation. However, that is not the case. Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, and I actually have a great rapport. Although, I must admit, I prefer to appreciate their unique personalities from a safe distance, perhaps with the assistance of security guards if needed.
I prefer to dedicate more time to my spouse. Whether it’s spending quality time with my spouse and young children, or creating special moments with my spouse and teenage children, or even cherishing precious moments with my spouse and grandchildren. Alternatively, I might desire to allocate more time to my mistress and focus on enjoying my possessions.
I take pride in my ability to maintain composure and respect during political discussions, even when faced with challenging viewpoints. For instance, I attentively listened to Rep. Greene’s extensive talk about lasers for a full 45 minutes without reacting impulsively. Additionally, I consistently voted in alignment with the speaker of the House, regardless of who held the position at any given time, whether it was Mike Johnson, Kevin McCarthy, or any other temporary occupant. It was important to me to uphold a sense of respect and support for the speaker’s role and decisions.
We have always strived to prioritize the well-being of Kansans, Coloradans, and Wisconsinites. For instance, when we delayed the provision of Ukraine aid for an extended period, allowing Russian President Vladimir Putin to gain considerable influence, it was an exceptional achievement that fills me with immense pride. Similarly, our Senate colleagues, motivated solely by political considerations, successfully thwarted an immigration compromise with the Democrats. Let’s celebrate our remarkable achievements!
Rest assured, there is no need to worry. It’s possible that we could prioritize even more crucial bills during my tenure.
I cannot conclude without acknowledging the immense influence of Donald Trump, our esteemed leader, who has played a significant role in enabling all of these accomplishments. Please note, I am merely jesting, Mr. President, but in all seriousness, I am referring to the divine Yahweh, the creator of everything we see around us. He has always guided me in the right direction, except for that one time he proposed that I should pursue a political career amidst a period of intense division and existential challenges to our nation.
Naturally, the focus now shifts to the potential successor who will represent North Carolina, Kansas, or Colorado. I am excited to offer my assistance to them in any way I can, provided they belong to the Republican party and refrain from discussing space lasers.
Whoever takes over this position will face immense challenges and experience the soul-crushing horrors that permeate this environment on a daily basis.